I am. Maybe i am blessed to be. Maybe i am cursed.
As I said in my socials…i will always give people chances, i will always believe in love and friendship and i will always have faith in life. At the very end, who hurt me will face themselves and their lowness.
And i eventually said it cos i feel really disappointed.
Not even. I am not mad. Not in rage. Nothing. I actually calm…but i am sick. Especially of men and their bullshits.
I introduce you: Hugo. Tall, dark skin, handsome, deep, smart, weed smoker (like a lot), good heart. We were dating, if i can call it like this, 2 years ago. Met the nye night, with my girl. I still remember a lot about that night. And the following days. And his girlfriend calling me and telling me to leave his man alone, that i was a bitch….
Funny, i din’t even know her existence….
After that Hugo vanished. For two years. I was, time to time, thinking about him, just randomly honestly. Few days ago, i think i have dreamed him, or something. I remember having him on my mind, strongly present. Yesterday, i check Instagram, here he is. After a second a number calls me.
His voice. My calmness. His bullshit: “I MISS YOU” i kept myself from laughing out loud. We talked. He was “sorry about ghosting” and “things i am not proud of happened”. Now…he told me “i cannot tell you on the phone what happened, but i wanna explain to you why i was gone”. Ok, as i am a dreamer, i agree on meeting him, to talk. And i stress on the word “talk”. He will wait for me outside my job place at 5.30 pm, the day after.
The day after, at 5.30 pm, there was nobody. I waited for my bus and i went home. Where i realized that i am not stupid on believing in people. It does not cost anything to me. I am actually strong. He did not text me, he just ghosted again.
The only difference is that now i am not sure if i will ever give him anther chance. And is such a pity….like with The Love of My Life. Beautiful souls. But unfortunately, full of darkness. Not even evil souls, just lost. And i feel so much pity for them. I would give a lot for them to see the light. But, eventually, they gotta deal with their demons.
I just do not understand why they come back to me, especially in a situation like Hugo.
So, now what? David will be the next one? Jeez save me….
As i am here, let me tell you about The Love of My Life. He came back. We met many time after my last post. Like 3 or 4. But everything changed. We just stayed together few hours, and after that he would have had something to do, or somewhere to go. No more night together, curling up, laughing. Just few hours.
It was still good to me, till i got to see him. This is how much i am down or him. Until one day. A Monday…We agreed on meeting up. He wanted to came to mine. He confirmed in the morning, he would have arrive around 3 pm.
Again, at 3 pm nobody was at my door. Nor nobody texted me.
But at 8 pm, he had the audacity to text me, as simple and careless as it was “sorry i fell asleep” with some dumb smiley. My reply, after hours, after other his text “hey”, was “K”. Then he texted me back this week, to meet…like really? I said no. And i went on.
In all this the sad thing is that I also had a gift or him, from my Greek hols. Obviously what he did happened after i came back. He was actually looking for me when i was travelling, he kept me company while the flight was cancelled, he joked and he told me nice things.
Turns out we are always on the same spot. Men acting like they care…to turn in completely different person.
Then….we have another one! D. Now…this guy is something…rolling my eyes…he is not into giving oral sex, but he like to receive it…obvious. He plays with nipples and clitoris like they are joysticks, he literally ripped off me all them. My nipples hurt for days after having sex with him. He try giving me oral, and i was like “please stop” and not because was too much. We was just using the tip of the tongue, not even touching my clitoris… Fingering….he has no clue about it.
I told him that receive oral is something i love. He said “until i satisfy my lady, that doesn’t mater”. Two huuuge mistakes here: 1) calling me “your lady”. 2) saying that something i love it doesn’t matter. And for the records. I came not even once.
So now he wanna see me. Again. I am not really happy about it. I mean its gonna be some mediocre sex. That’s it. Am i up for that? Cos rather than have something mediocre i better have nothing, honestly…..i will see….meanwhile let me meet a new guy. Very smart who hate texting. Jeez if you could read our convo…it i soooo dead. He is interesting…very similar to me, but he doesn’t look much excited from life. Or meybe is just his way to text that gives me this idea.
We met once already and time flew….it will be ok…
I all this…i had sex with my best friend, the male one. Never talked abut him. He is a man. Very good job, smart, calm but funny, not judgmental, up to see me anywhere for anything dance cinema coffee and so on. I met him when i just came in Dublin. We were fuck buddies. Then for some reason we stopped and we became friend. And now…sex again. I used to remember his way to fuck: how he grabbed me, spanked me, pulled my hair, kept me close and tight. His strong and good body, its weight. We had fun in the past…and honestly i was not really planning anything.
He is, so far, the only man, straight man, which exactly knows what i thing and how i think. He knows me and i know him. And this has been pretty clear the day the had sex again. He perfectly knew how to follow my body, how to touch me, how to kiss me. Oh my god. Those kisses. It was a long time i dint kiss someone the way i did with him.
He was simply into me, like there was nothing better to him. His hands on my body. The way he reached orgasm and the look of his eyes. The calmness was gone, and the beast came out. That sex has been so good as the one i have with The Love of My Life. Probably better. Fuller. Deeper.
How did it happen? He wanted to learn smoking weed. He came at mine. We smoked. We were pretty calm actually. In my bed. Seated far from each other. After smoking we laid down. All dressed up. talking and travelling. He started feeling cold “can i go under the duvet?” Of course, i said, and i woke to give him a pajama. I grabbed one for me and i went to the other room to change. Once i was back we went under the duvet.
We spooned. He hugged me, and his hand wen under my t-shirt. Still hugging me and softly playing with my skin. And from there everything started. He made me scream and came so much i don’t even remember. The way he make it its absolutely unbelievable. And again, the morning after….
So far, i feel like nothing broke. I still feel good texting him and i feel good to the idea of not seeing him. I don’t need to text him and i don’t need him to be present. Now…i have no idea how it will go, but still…it will be good either way!
Apart all this, i am still in contact with that amazing guy, the american….and nothing, i am happy about it…Obviously i am not dreaming about, but i really liked that guy, he seemed genuine and caring, and i hope he wont change…
And to close this chapter…my Bestie is good. Settled down, so far. My Girl is perfect. And the crew became a Squad. A new girl joined. A fucking machine gun. A crazy funny blond, which i will call Blondie. And now the world will shake!
Oh….PS. The Love of My Life officially changed name from this to L.
Lets stop giving people names they don’t deserve anymore…