Still a Dreamer

I am. Maybe i am blessed to be. Maybe i am cursed.

As I said in my socials…i will always give people chances, i will always believe in love and friendship and i will always have faith in life. At the very end, who hurt me will face themselves and their lowness.

And i eventually said it cos i feel really disappointed.

Not even. I am not mad. Not in rage. Nothing. I actually calm…but i am sick. Especially of men and their bullshits.

I introduce you: Hugo. Tall, dark skin, handsome, deep, smart, weed smoker (like a lot), good heart. We were dating, if i can call it like this, 2 years ago. Met the nye night, with my girl.   I still remember a lot about that night. And the following days. And his girlfriend calling me and telling me to leave his man alone, that i was a bitch….

Funny, i din’t even know her existence….

After that Hugo vanished. For two years. I was, time to time, thinking about him, just randomly honestly. Few days ago, i think i have dreamed him, or something. I remember having him on my mind, strongly present. Yesterday, i check Instagram, here he is. After a second a number calls me.

His voice. My calmness. His bullshit: “I MISS YOU” i kept myself from laughing out loud. We talked. He was “sorry about ghosting” and “things i am not proud of happened”. Now…he told me “i cannot tell you on the phone what happened, but i wanna explain to you why i was gone”. Ok, as i am a dreamer, i agree on meeting him, to talk. And i stress on the word “talk”. He will wait for me outside my job place at 5.30 pm, the day after.

The day after, at 5.30 pm, there was nobody. I waited for my bus and i went home. Where i realized that i am not stupid on believing in people. It does not cost anything to me. I am actually strong. He did not text me, he just ghosted again.

The only difference is that now i am not sure if i will ever give him anther chance. And is such a pity….like with The Love of My Life. Beautiful souls. But unfortunately, full of darkness. Not even evil souls, just lost. And i feel so much pity for them. I would give a lot for them to see the light. But, eventually, they gotta deal with their demons.

I just do not understand why they come back to me, especially in a situation like Hugo.

So, now what? David will be the next one? Jeez save me….

As i am here, let me tell you about The Love of My Life. He came back. We met many time after my last post. Like 3 or 4. But everything changed. We just stayed together few hours, and after that he would have had something to do, or somewhere to go. No more night together, curling up, laughing. Just few hours.

It was still good to me, till i got to see him. This is how much i am down or him. Until one day. A Monday…We agreed on meeting up. He wanted to came to mine. He confirmed in the morning, he would have arrive around 3 pm.

Again, at 3 pm nobody was at my door. Nor nobody texted me.

But at 8 pm, he had the audacity to text me, as simple and careless as it was “sorry i fell asleep” with some dumb smiley. My reply, after hours, after other his text “hey”, was “K”.  Then he texted me back this week, to meet…like really? I said no. And i went on.

In all this the sad thing is that I also had a gift or him, from my Greek hols. Obviously what he did happened after i came back. He was actually looking for me when i was travelling, he kept me company while the flight was cancelled, he joked and he told me nice things.

Turns out we are always on the same spot. Men acting like they care…to turn in completely different person.

Then….we have another one! D. Now…this guy is something…rolling my eyes…he is not into giving oral sex, but he like to receive it…obvious. He plays with nipples and clitoris like they are joysticks, he literally ripped off me all them. My nipples hurt for days after having sex with him. He try giving me oral, and i was like “please stop” and not because was too much. We was just using the tip of the tongue, not even touching my clitoris… Fingering….he has no clue about it.

I told him that receive oral is something i love. He said “until i satisfy my lady, that doesn’t mater”. Two huuuge mistakes here: 1) calling me “your lady”. 2) saying that something i love it doesn’t matter. And for the records. I came not even once.

So now he wanna see me. Again. I am not really happy about it. I mean its gonna be some mediocre sex. That’s it. Am i up for that? Cos rather than have something mediocre i better have nothing, honestly…..i will see….meanwhile let me meet a new guy. Very smart who hate texting. Jeez if you could read our convo…it i soooo dead. He is interesting…very similar to me, but he doesn’t look much excited from life. Or meybe is just his way to text that gives me this idea.

We met once already and time flew….it will be ok…

I all this…i had sex with my best friend, the male one. Never talked abut him. He is a man. Very good job, smart, calm but funny, not judgmental, up to see me anywhere for anything dance cinema coffee and so on. I met him when i just came in Dublin. We were fuck buddies. Then for some reason we stopped and we became friend. And now…sex again. I used to remember his way to fuck: how he grabbed me, spanked me, pulled my hair, kept me close and tight. His strong and good body, its weight. We had fun in the past…and honestly i was not really planning anything.

He is, so far, the only man, straight man, which exactly knows what i thing and how i think. He knows me and i know him. And this has been pretty clear the day the had sex again. He perfectly knew how to follow my body, how to touch me, how to kiss me. Oh my god. Those kisses. It was a long time i dint kiss someone the way i did with him.

He was simply into me, like there was nothing better to him. His hands on my body. The way he reached orgasm and the look of his eyes. The calmness was gone, and the beast came out. That sex has been so good as the one i have with The Love of My Life. Probably better. Fuller. Deeper.

How did it happen? He wanted to learn smoking weed. He came at mine. We smoked. We were pretty calm actually. In my bed. Seated far from each other. After smoking we laid down. All dressed up. talking and travelling. He started feeling cold “can i go under the duvet?” Of course, i said, and i woke to give him a pajama. I grabbed one for me and i went to the other room to change. Once i was back we went under the duvet.

We spooned. He hugged me, and his hand wen under my t-shirt. Still hugging me and softly playing with my skin. And from there everything started. He made me scream and came so much i don’t even remember. The way he make it its absolutely unbelievable. And again, the morning after….

So far, i feel like nothing broke. I still feel good texting him and i feel good to the idea of not seeing him. I don’t need to text him and i don’t need him to be present. Now…i have no idea how it will go, but still…it will be good either way!

Apart all this, i am still in contact with that amazing guy, the american….and nothing, i am happy about it…Obviously i am not dreaming about, but i really liked that guy, he seemed genuine and caring, and i hope he wont change…

And to close this chapter…my Bestie is good. Settled down, so far. My Girl is perfect. And the crew became a Squad. A new girl joined. A fucking machine gun. A crazy funny blond, which i will call Blondie. And now the world will shake!

Oh….PS. The Love of My Life officially changed name from this to L.

Lets stop giving people names they don’t deserve anymore…

 

 

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Overwhelmed

Yes I am.

There are thing i don’t understand. Behaviors. People. I am probably not for this materialist and crazy world. I feel, again, like I’m stuck and the world is spinning.

I have no stable points anymore. No anchor. Many things are changed since the last time i wrote. Time passed simply because i had my Bestie here with me. She finally made it. She found a place but still she is still struggling. I am happy for her. She is finally reborn.

Meanwhile the world is becoming an hard place to me. I have my job and I am happy with it. I have my “friends” and ppl i hang out with. I have my stable points. But still. Something is missing. Plus, the more i see the world around me, the more i do not understand.

I guess I am focusing too much on other ppl choices. The fact is that i see things differently and many ties, when others act with nonsense it gives me headaches. Maybe i am too judgmental? But i never been really judging against others. It mostly some people stupidity that makes me say: “are you serious? Why are you even doing that?” And so on.

On the other side, I am the stupid one.

I kinda lost all the connection with The love of my life. After that text session i had the chance to speak with him. And i told him everything. The way i felt. The way i love him and so on…we met another time, then he vanished for 3 weeks. Fun fact is that everyone else is gone.

The guy i met again that night, gone. After the exams he just disappeared and acted like an asshole twice so i stopped replying him.

And I am not even able to meet someone decent. Every guy i talk to turn in a dickhead. Or i dont even met one at all. So I am in a situation where I am actually asking myself what is wrong with me. Which kind of energy i am showing that keeps men far from me. Something is coming? If yes, what’s that? Do i have to change something about myself? If yes, what?

Questions and I dont even have the answers.

So yeah, essentially this crisis is due to the lack of men around me. I honestly never been without a man. Sex-buddy, flirt, chat, never. And it is kinda weird. Well…as i said, i have men texting etc but they r the ones i will never hang with, even if good looking, cos they are basically fake.

And there is no connection at all, so I am not even interested in sex.

Two weeks ago i have met this guy. Handsome. Tall, dark skin and dreads. He come to e, we danced. There was everything. Turns out he is american. The morning after he had the flight back. He comes in Dublin every 6 month to play, he’s a soccer player. And he has a beautiful soul. We spent the rest of the night together. He was perfect, gentle, cute, sexy, focused on me, funny. I kinda miss him. He will be back in June, probably. And i hope i will meet him again.

He is one of those people you don not really forget. And not because of the sex part, but because of the soul.

How the hell can i survive in this world when i fall in love for beautiful souls? I will kill myself with my own hands. The same thing keep happening, again and again. I met an amazing man. Whom, for some reason, i will never probably see again. Like Sadiq. And Brian. And other far away in the past…

And i keep shredding my heart, looking for love. And it become smaller and smaller. And probably i will remain without for myself. I just feel like i have no strength, no energy anymore. I wanna cry but at the same time i wanna be strong and keep it together. And I still do not understand why I am given this great men for a short while only. And after i have to accept that they have to go away, far. I don’t know why I have this destiny, and I have no idea how to change it. Maybe I cant even change it.

And, at the end, I keep falling in the same mistake, like the guy i have met yesterday, after a Tinder chat. We met and the was a damn strong sexual attraction. We had sex, was very good. He hugged me, he was sweet and everything…and today he is vanished. I should have know better, maybe. But this is the point: I dont expect some behaviors from conscious or spiritual people.

And with this guy we talked about everything, literally. Deep shit like. Thing i only have talked with The love of my life, just to clarify the conversation level. But still….I guess no matter a person is spiritual and into some thing, there is always the human messed up side to deal with.

And probably this is the issue.

The human side always win.

Maybe I am too much. Or maybe I am not worthy. I really dont know. And I keep praying for a decent man to come, but maybe the problem is that i still need to be saved. While i should do that myself first. Maybe the job I am doing with myself is not done.

Maybe i need to love me more, to understand me more. And to stop being frustrated because of these situation. And probably i have to stop craving for a man, when at the end I dont even know what I want….

Or simply….is not the right time yet. I wonder if there is someone for me out there. Someone that is funny, tall, black skin, caring, loyal. That guy with the beautiful smile, into spirituality and far from the world’s bullshit. A man who is not afraid of emotion, a man ready to deal with my soul. Who is not scared by my boldness and can handle my fire. Someone that brings light and joy. Someone that is passionate about love, sex, life, food, music. A soul full of gold. This is what i wish for myself.

God knows if he’s out there already.

Probably, what i need to handle is the fear to be alone, and the fear to be with he wrong person. This two things are still the once that i never fought. And maybe is time to……

Hello 2018!

So….many things to tell….lets start with the resolutions:

BODY: be healthy – train everyday min 30 min of HIIT or 1h gym. Start the swimming asap (gotta wait 4 weeks cos of the new tattoo). Drink more water.

SPIRIT and SOUL: meditate more. Stop pleasing others before myself. Do what i really want and avoid to force myself into ppl, situation, actions etc. Stop begging ppl to stay in my life. Dont be afraid to speak out.

MONEY: fucking get more. Started investing in ALTCOIN after 2 weeks of researches. Started saving more.

LIFE: travel more. Love without putting myself at stake. Learn new things. Meet new people. Go out more. Laugh more. Cheers anyone even strangers.

These are the main things.

So….we have few updates from the fuckboys world:

  • The love of my life. I kinda fought with him. Long story short. We never met around Only at his/mine. I asked him many times to go somewhere, he always found an excuse. The last time we were supposed to go eat together. He texted me “i already got some kfc but i left some for u, i was starving sorry”. FUCK U. I was going to his place anyway. Then i stopped. I started crying and i went back home. We had a long and dramatic discussion, were he kept saying things in a half. Comes out he have feelings but he focus only on the sex part cos he doesnt want to “create a mess”. I SMELL BUUUUULLSHIIIIIIIIIIT. I know he feel something, but u cant put it like this. I think i will not see him for a long time.
  • The ex platonic love, now the Idiot, texted me the 2018 wishes. Of course i didnt answer, cos he probably has a double personality at this point……before he insults me and the he send me wishes…..babe….u got the wrong person.
  • So i went out checking for this Jamaican night…..was pretty much empty and bad….so i changed location and i ended up in the most filthy place. Essentially the place were clearly bitches look for bbc and guys looks for hookers. And there i met Babyface. Hes 29, we met 2 months ago then he vanished…long story….this tie is half my fault thou. Anyway, we drink, we dance, we get crazy. He seats me in the corner, the river behind, and we did the “trust me” game. He got me, while i was watching Dublin all upside down. I know….i dont care im 33. I wanted to be spontaneous, and its time i get back the baby i lost…anyway. We had sex. All night. Was absolutely damn good!!! And thats it…idk whats gonna happen with him yet.

About NYE, i spent the night at my gay BBF. Party was good, except for few ppl…didnt really like them. Were those kind of ppl then, when drunk, they need to show power and strength. Hate that. But we drank, we laugh, we danced and so on. I went hope soon cos of those ppl.

Seems i already started to do only what makes me feel good.

On my way back, a small dog decided to follow me. Im a cat person first. But was damn cold. I took him. I couldn’t keep it so i decided to let him stay on the stairs: i live in a big apartment complex. Stairs are inside the building so its WARM. And are made by moquette. Gave him food and water. This morning the food was gone, and the dog as well. But i heard someone playing with a dog. And there are no other dogs here, so im sure was it.

What else?

Oh yeah….i got my tattoo. Is not finished yet. Will take other 10hs. The first 6hs are gone….damn painful but im soooo happy. I got it the day after the fuckboy mess. And it actually cheer up all my days.

I had kinda a crazy week. Went out a lot, met ppl, had fun, had sex.

And i started trading in altcoins. Very unstable market. Im starting with few BTC and lets see what will happen. Im investing a really tiny part. Something im ready to loose.

Apart this, theres nothing much going on….

The door towards Hell

You don’t experience Hell after your death.

No my dear bitch, you do it here in EARTH. As simple as that.

This happens cos of many different reasons, by daily or occasional situations…I am actually NOT really going towards Hell.

Well…it’s almost the 28th…almost the Tattoos day!!! I went to talk to the artist, whom is sketching the drawing. I cant wait. Will be an half sleeve. Will be painful af…..that day i will go to Hell. Dying in pain.

But, i need that. Its probably crazy but, is like the pain i feel doing a tattoo, wash away the emotional and spiritual pain i got with me till that day.

And this time, the emotional pain to face is high. I never really let go on A., every time i think at him i cry. I have promised myself that the least i can do to honer him, is to get this tattoo, to get through pain in order to let him go.

Which doesn’t mean to forget him. It means that i let go his spirit, let him go peacefully, he deserve that. He will be always with me anyway, but that emotional pain kills me every time. So, when it will be done, i will as well.

After this, is almost imperative to talk about HIM. The love of my life, aka my fuckboy.

Well…i spend few hours at his place on Saturday. There were his flatmates friend so was like a little house party with music, alcohol, etc….yeah…after they went away, we talked as usual. He started kissing me and stuff. Sex, rough. I could tell he was not having sex since long. I felt that. Actually every time I see him, I can tell if he fucked other bitches or not, and most of the time, i feel like he didn’t…..

Well….he still a fuckboy.

So…..usual. After sex he is always the sweetest guy, he hugs me, we talk, we laugh, our foreheads touching and we falling asleep like that. His fingers drawing imaginary lines on my skin. My fingers exploring his dark skin, running slowly. He kissing my shoulder, my neck…me kissing his chest, his cheeks. We silently smiling together.

And every time there is something ore, something new that he does.

The last time was kinda funny as, after he had to go out. He actually was like “naa i think i can change my mind”, hugging me. But…the day after i had to work, and i had to go back home, so….i kinda manipulated him. At midnight we got up, dressed…well I got dressed. He was naked looking for some clothes to put.

For almost 1h we was asking my advice and, at the end, he got close and kissed me. What’s for, i asked. For helping me, he said. I freeze.

So….why this is Hell? Is not. But it might become.

I want to tell him about my feelings. That i love him. But is not that “i want you love”. It is the “i let you free, wishing you all the best” love. I love him. I can’t stand to some of his bullshit. Sometimes i would rip his skin off, but even in those moment, i hope the best for him.

I am already trying to let him go, considering he wants to move far away soon. The best thing i can do for myself is let him go, which doesn’t mean not meet him anymore. But means to meet him every time like is the last one and leave him like there is no tomorrow.

The only regrets i have, which does not depend on me, is that we never had the chance to go out together. I tried many times to get him out, but his reply was always no. As he never invited me at his parties or at his place with his friends.

Clearly he doesn’t want to be seen with me, or maybe he think i’m not cool enough, maybe in his mind i am boring and good just for sex. This is another thing i want to tell him.

The chances are 2:

  • everything will fall apart and he will get away from me
  • things gonna stay like today or maybe slightly better

Now the question is: am I ready to go towards Hell, to expose myself so openly, and to be deeply hit by his reaction? Well….i need to close a cycle. Many are closing in this period. 2017 has been mostly a year were i have closed cycles: my ex bestie, my ex job, my platonic love, etc. And at the same time i have started other cycle: savings, planning my future trips, a new job, a new tattoo, etc.

So far this year i have been closing the past and opening the new so much….so i guess this is the last step, the most difficult. Which i hope i can close before the end of this year. Pray for me.

As last, in every meaning, there is my ex Platonic Love, who has been sent rocket speed to Hell. By ME. When i wrote my last post i thought we were gone forever.

I was daaaaaaaammmmnnnn wrong.

He came back. Sill text in whatsapp, sending a “funny” (stupid) pic, to which i have replied XD XD XD – i was not laughing at all.

Long story short, after that, he left an angry and stupid comment on a FB post were my Bestie was tagged by me. I have had replied to it. He contacted me in whatsapp insulting me about the fact that he was joking and that i was such an immature etc etc etc….

Either you r dumb or……idiot. My reply was so good and articulated that i was impressed by own self.

I told him to let me go, that i had no more strength for bullshit like those. He got offended again and i have stopped replying him.

Possibly he is gone FOREVER….i hope so cos i really have enough…

What I have lost

So………..In my prev post, talking about my bday party, i have introduced him; my Platonic Love. Younger the me, smart, pretty mature (as i thought), funny, present…but not ready. And i also wrote about how things evolved that night, since he saw me with the handsome man following the days after.

Now, the more i analyze this situation, the more i realized he was looking for an excuse to make me feel as bad as he felt when i left with the handsome Brazilian. The problem here is that he put the thing on me, pointing at me cos “i raised my voice”, instead that point out his jealousy.

Why i did raised my voice? Well…you wanna go home but you are stuck at mine because of a stupid decision i made, i find a solution, you don’t understand i did it for you and u make me feel bad about. Fuck you.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT, Seriously.

What you don’t know yet is what happened the day after. I sent him a text explaining why i reacted like that etc, very politely. He said it was fine. I thought the storm was gone.

I couldn’t be more wrong than that. The day after again he dropped the bomb.

So, i am a shitty person just cos i raised the voice on him, while he was high.

Long story short, he hit me with texts like “i feel bad with myself because i thought u were different” and so on. I told him “look i know i have a bad temper sometimes, i know im like that and that. But i also have good qualities”. He was annoyed by the fact i pointed out my good qualities. In his mind i should have possibly kneel before him, asking his majestic forgiveness and admit i have only bad qualities.

I told him goodbye instead.

Because at the end, what he wanted was getting rid of me, hurting me, based on nothing. And i am sorry that ended like that. He is one of the best people i knew till now. But still, i have no intentions at all to bend over. We wanted to end it. He did, in the worse possible way. To me he is nothing more than past.

It’s funny how love can turn and bite you. I still love him and wish him the best. But in the way he was attacking me there was no love at all. Even when we were alone that night, i felt nothing but emptiness. I have lost him…i have lost him for a random man…while he always felt free to tell me about the girls he fucked with.

Eventually this is the new way….anyway, it’s GONE! Meanwhile:

  • I got the flu but im recovering pretty well.
  • I got the xmas party of my company….fucking lit i’d say.
  • I made myself some gooooooooood brownies.
  • I have realized there are things i have to fix, about myself, and i will.
  • I have more cellulite than some months ago, this actually killed me.
  • I got no news from L., the fuckboy, but i need some good D 🙂

Give me a sec to talk about my cellulite….cos here it was dramatic.

The concept is: cellulite is normal, all women have it. But society want us perfect.

The problem is: i want perfection.

Im 33, ok? Fine. I have a great body shape, i go to the gym, i eat well….im Mediterranean so to people like us its pretty easy to have an healthy diet. The thing is that i hate cardio. So i stopped, focusing in developing muscles and strength.

The moment i stopped cardio, i started having moooore cellulite. And i realized only before the xmas party: i was wearing the dress – a dress that make imperfection super visible – and i noticed it. I run to the store and got myself an underskirt (i hope this is the correct name). So far the issue was solved.

But now, NOW, i gotta solve this cellulite. Tomorrow, as my flu passed, i will go back to gym, and god knows i will start some badass cardio, and i will get rid of this shit from my body…..Well, i should also drink more water……and sleep more…….and get myself a man…..have some fun night-out…..and eventually sort out my life.

Sometimes i ask myself:

Am I doing something wrong? Im 33, still single, no kids, no relationship, sharing the apt with a flatmate….then…i go back in rewind, i start again:

NO. There is nothing wrong, considered that:

  • i live in Dublin where rent are sky-high, i couldn’t afford a damn house alone unless i get 3.000eur monthly min
  • i am single yes but so far now i don’t give a shit about men
  • i love myself and i wanna fall in love even more for me and for life
  • i have priorities: myself, travelling, having fun
  • i am a loner and, even if you wouldn’t say that from my posts, im actually very spiritual…someone like me will be pretty hard to find
  • so far i link well only with Aries men…..Sagittarians like me are still ok. Leo….well the platonic love was a Leo, and my first man was. Both ended in the same way, what a surprise……

Anyway…bla bla bla…..the only important thing now is getting rid of this shitty cellulite.

The other LIT thing is: IN 10 DAYS I WILL FINALLY START MY 8TH TATTOO.

Which is so far, one of the most important. Because is for one person i loved more in all my life. A person i still feel guilt to. A person whom spirit is with me everyday. A person i fought with a lot. But i loved as i love my parents.

He is Alfred, my beloved and dearest uncle. He would have gave me the world for me, if only he could. He passed away a year and a half ago….I left Italy, 4 years ago, and when i left, i knew he would have been very sad without me around. But what could i do? Sometimes i think i was too egoist. Leaving everyone just to start a new life somewhere else….but Italy was killing me. I needed to run away. And i chose Dublin because is pretty close to my family.

He died for an issue at his lungs. The last time i saw him, he was lying down his back, no strength to talk , no strength to move. That day killed a part of me. He last almost a month like that…then he gave up. There was nothing much to fight for…

I ask myself if things would have been different if i stayed. I could have helped him more, I could have been his strength. I could have even saved him…

Or…things would have gone the same way, because it was possibly meant to be like that…I will never know. But this doesn’t change the fact that the guilt i carry is heavier than anything else.

I miss him everyday, even if i know he is with me. What i miss is the change to talk to him again, to laugh, to fight even…But this is life…and eventually i have to let go him as well….i will cry my heart out during the tattoo session. And i hope those tear will wash away my pain and will help me to let it go one for all…

 

 

 

The Never Ending Story(-ies)

Happy Bday to meeeeeee 🙂
Im, finally, 33. I started as a goddess, and today i got the cold! Yay! Hehehe actually there’s a good reason why i got it…
My dad used to say: cold got u when u sleep with the ass out. Well indeed, that happened XD

I got drunk, I got myself a very nice present, I got the time of my life with people I love, and I fought with 2 men. One is the “platonic love” the other is he, L, the fuckboy.

Well…the night stated in this beautiful Mirò (the artist) style pub. Whit beers. Ilze boyfriend kept offering drinks aaaaallll night long. I had my sweet Gab, my Bestie, some of my Italians, my Darling and her man, the platonic love, Will, etc etc etc.

L, of course, did not come. But this is a story for later…

Actually, other people i cared didn’t come, and this hurt me pretty badly. Talking with my Bestie i was sad indeed, she told me to let go, but me? Letting go? Have you have seen a Sagittarius letting go? Biiiiitch! Please…I should thou…

Anyway, the excuse for the night was “Im sick”. Im sure about 2 of them, they were really sick…the others: EXCUSES.

It was better not to receive any confirmation (like L and the Tinder guy) rather then a stupid excuse, but anyway…

These little things made me realize something very important: i tend to give too many importance to people that would do nothing for me. So, it’s time to cut them off.

Chop Chop Bitches!

But still, i tend to do this quite often: giving people importance to then realize i shouldn’t have had. And then i fall in the spiral of: “why im so stupid?”, “why did i even think that person cared?”, and so on. Sickness for my soul.

Let start talking about me, drunk. High heels 12cm. Mini-dress, black, mono-shoulder, not much make up on, and feeling like a Goddess.

We leave the Turks Head, direction Liquor Rooms. This place is so controversial and amazing: you can find music you wont find anywhere else, stays open till late, had good drinks, and it smash you back like in the 60′ only because of the interiors.

So, club is full. We go dancing. I keep drinking. I see a tall black guy. I smile at him, we talk, he asks my number, done. I go around, i laugh, i dance, i sing. I am happy. While Ilze fought with her boyfriend, while my Bestie were kissing a guy, and while the Italians were drinking whiskeys, i did the mess.

I see a guy, dark skin, very good-looking. I smile at him. I dance alone. I get close to him and we start talking. Don’t ask me how that happened. We start kissing, again don’t ask me how and why. Only thing i know: he’s kisses are like pure honey, warm and passionate.

We start dancing:

the Platonic Love looks at me. Like he wants to kill me. This guy is no less than the true love. Now….i know i’m calling everyone “love of  my life”. But this guy actually is. Well, was. We started dating and both felt love for each other. We never had a relationship cos he “wants to live his life, settle down and when he’s sure he can provide everything, he will commit”. So this guy actually loves me, And vice-versa.

When he saw me kissing this new guy, he snapped. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me…like he hated me so much. I felt bad, but, after all….babe, you are the first one telling me about your nightstands….so you can and i can’t, just because you are crazy?

Anyway, he was pretty mad, and i think that is now actually over….Later for the reason why…

Me and the new guy leave the club: outside it’s pouring rain. Taxis won’t stop. We waited 30 mins or more under the rain, i was SOAKED. And that’s why i got the cold now. We spend the rest of the night, and good part of the day after, having some very good sex.

And of course, my dear angels sent me a perfect, caring guy who:

  • is a hit Brazilian, 39 years old looking like 25, dark skin and beard
  • he is going back for good in few days time
  • have a girlfriend – in a open relationship (he told me after)

Thank you universe.

He still texting me, so sweet…unfortunately he has to go….adios mi amor!

Lets switch to…? The Platonic Love guy. Now you gonna think: “this girl is a bad bitch”, you are probably right. In the remaining days, me and my Bestie went to greet some people, because she had to left on Wednesday. We spent our Monday evening with our sweet Gab, my ex flatmate. Such a very sweet person.

But, Tuesday evening was Platonic Love’s turn: ta-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaan!

We buzzed at mine with wine and weed. We smoked, ate, drunk togheter, till 8pm ish, when my Bestie had a date. So i got he the only house key i had, so she could have came in without ringing.

She went, he started kissing me, etc etc, we had sex. He came, i didn’t. We was stoned as fuck. And from here is were i felt nothing. I had already the cold. I really didn’t wanted to have sex but i said nothing. And i felt just to being used. Like he needed me only to “empty himself”. Or like he wanted to show me “how’s the man”. The last time i had this feeling was long ago, and is actually a very bad feeling. He was focused only on himself. Yeah we did foreplay etc, but still, i could feel that everything was lead by his crave of mere sex.

When we finished he fell asleep, i took a shower to clean up that “dirt”, didn’t work. I kept myself busy. The time i got back in the room he was awake, checking his phone. I sit close to him, in the bed: not a word. When we usually speak a lot, laugh etc. This time not a word. At that point, he started dressing up to leave, when i suddenly realized i was stuck in the house why Platonic Love. Beautiful.

He didn’t want to fall asleep so we started watching a movie….he kept being on his phone. Still not a word. So i texted my Bestie to come back t give me the key. Se did, she came with the date guy, and when she opened the door he was all mad: “why you bothered her?”, “she was in a date”, and so on. I tried to make him understand that was the only solution. He didn’t.

So, when i get frustrated because people don’t understand, i raise my voice, not because im mad, just to make the point. Was worse. I let him go, my Bestie went back to the guy and i went to bed. Crying. This morning i tried to make him understand the thing.

The point is that he was high as fuck.

The other pin is: I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT.

So, i think i will let him go, and just talk with him as a friend. I feel nothing else after that….sorted.

Now…….L….the fuckboy i have a crush for. He didn’t came, He didn’t even made up a stupid excuse. He just didn’t text me. But, he texted me on Monday, when he was off work. To fuck. He didn’t say that, but as every Monday we meet for sex, it’s pretty obvious.

I reply him im with my Bestie, we talk a bit, he tells me that he couldn’t make it. My straight reply was: “don’t worry, im cool. I knew you wouldn’t have come anyway”.

Bomb dropped. He replies saying he feel offended, and i explain pretty clearly that we meet only to fuck, why the hell would he come out with me? He wanted to show up because i was not expecting that, he got caught in a series of event he could’t control (he explained what happened), and he told me that im 1 of his 2 fav Italians.

He deserve an applause here for the manipulation job. FAILED.

It’s also true he said sorry. Never happened before. It’s also true that he explain thing only in few occasion and to few people. If he doesn’t give a fuck he gives no explanations at all. So…i probably should see that “an effort” to make it partially right, from him.

I will see….meanwhile, what i wanted to do was talking with him about the fact i cant trust him, because he is so manipulative etc etc etc. All this is USELESS.

Because at the end, he is a fuckboy. And again in the end, i don’t want anything more from him.

So, i better keep what i have: sex and good times, but let him know he cannot manipulate me as he wish. His bitch yeah, but not dumb.

So…..this is it. My Bestie today left. She already arrived in Italy now, and im here, with my  years old, my demons, my sad moments, my happy times, my fuckboys.

At the end, i always have to get myself up alone. As everyone has to.

My purpose, in this 33rd year, is to stop giving value to people who don’t and won’t value ME.

Well well well…

So the last time i was telling you about aaaaaallll those weirdos.

From there, we have some progresses. It’s about HE. The, so far, Love of My Life. Which i use to call, but is not…he’s a fuckboy, and yeah i kinda love the idea of him.

So i have been pretty clear about the “pay me a taxi” thing, and he understood. And honestly, the fact i found the courage to step out like that, helped a lot about how do i feel when it comes to him. After texting him, i was kinda afraid he wouldn’t have texted me back. And i was afraid of that.

The day after, i realized that fear was lead by a “useless necessity” to have him. And day by day i started feeling better. I said to myself: “u deserve to be respected Chris, if someone get mad because u want respect, erase them. You don’t need this”.

He texted me anyway, we met again and have been amazing. He kissing my forehead, he hugging me, we talking about deep things, watched few things, spent hours together.

The thing is that i could really feel the deep of hugging, caressing and kissing. It was like he really meant that. Like he was feeling something.

I know he does, anyway…and most probably he’s scared…but still, i ain’t got time for scared men.

At the same time, it’s true: i want the benefit of a relationship but not the struggle. And possibly, my baddest bitch has right: even if HE would be perfect, i wont give a chance. So, i guess i have to accept the fact that i am my first issue, when it comes to a relationship. And keep living what i have with HIM, in the way it is.

He will, anyway, leave Dublin soon…that day will be the worse day of my life, but still, i should not think about it now. Now its time to think at the great things universe is giving me.

Lets switch to the Tinder guy.

Which i met. Very interesting guy. Sex at the second appointment, great sex actually. We meet like once a week since then, we fuck, he dress up and goes away. Which is the best way not to feel feelings.

So, at this point, so far, this is my life. Still a mess.

My baddest bitch come to say hi, from Italy.

My bday will be in 2 days and i will be, finally, 33. The age of god.

So far, everything is LIT!