Yes I am.

There are thing i don’t understand. Behaviors. People. I am probably not for this materialist and crazy world. I feel, again, like I’m stuck and the world is spinning.

I have no stable points anymore. No anchor. Many things are changed since the last time i wrote. Time passed simply because i had my Bestie here with me. She finally made it. She found a place but still she is still struggling. I am happy for her. She is finally reborn.

Meanwhile the world is becoming an hard place to me. I have my job and I am happy with it. I have my “friends” and ppl i hang out with. I have my stable points. But still. Something is missing. Plus, the more i see the world around me, the more i do not understand.

I guess I am focusing too much on other ppl choices. The fact is that i see things differently and many ties, when others act with nonsense it gives me headaches. Maybe i am too judgmental? But i never been really judging against others. It mostly some people stupidity that makes me say: “are you serious? Why are you even doing that?” And so on.

On the other side, I am the stupid one.

I kinda lost all the connection with The love of my life. After that text session i had the chance to speak with him. And i told him everything. The way i felt. The way i love him and so on…we met another time, then he vanished for 3 weeks. Fun fact is that everyone else is gone.

The guy i met again that night, gone. After the exams he just disappeared and acted like an asshole twice so i stopped replying him.

And I am not even able to meet someone decent. Every guy i talk to turn in a dickhead. Or i dont even met one at all. So I am in a situation where I am actually asking myself what is wrong with me. Which kind of energy i am showing that keeps men far from me. Something is coming? If yes, what’s that? Do i have to change something about myself? If yes, what?

Questions and I dont even have the answers.

So yeah, essentially this crisis is due to the lack of men around me. I honestly never been without a man. Sex-buddy, flirt, chat, never. And it is kinda weird. Well…as i said, i have men texting etc but they r the ones i will never hang with, even if good looking, cos they are basically fake.

And there is no connection at all, so I am not even interested in sex.

Two weeks ago i have met this guy. Handsome. Tall, dark skin and dreads. He come to e, we danced. There was everything. Turns out he is american. The morning after he had the flight back. He comes in Dublin every 6 month to play, he’s a soccer player. And he has a beautiful soul. We spent the rest of the night together. He was perfect, gentle, cute, sexy, focused on me, funny. I kinda miss him. He will be back in June, probably. And i hope i will meet him again.

He is one of those people you don not really forget. And not because of the sex part, but because of the soul.

How the hell can i survive in this world when i fall in love for beautiful souls? I will kill myself with my own hands. The same thing keep happening, again and again. I met an amazing man. Whom, for some reason, i will never probably see again. Like Sadiq. And Brian. And other far away in the past…

And i keep shredding my heart, looking for love. And it become smaller and smaller. And probably i will remain without for myself. I just feel like i have no strength, no energy anymore. I wanna cry but at the same time i wanna be strong and keep it together. And I still do not understand why I am given this great men for a short while only. And after i have to accept that they have to go away, far. I don’t know why I have this destiny, and I have no idea how to change it. Maybe I cant even change it.

And, at the end, I keep falling in the same mistake, like the guy i have met yesterday, after a Tinder chat. We met and the was a damn strong sexual attraction. We had sex, was very good. He hugged me, he was sweet and everything…and today he is vanished. I should have know better, maybe. But this is the point: I dont expect some behaviors from conscious or spiritual people.

And with this guy we talked about everything, literally. Deep shit like. Thing i only have talked with The love of my life, just to clarify the conversation level. But still….I guess no matter a person is spiritual and into some thing, there is always the human messed up side to deal with.

And probably this is the issue.

The human side always win.

Maybe I am too much. Or maybe I am not worthy. I really dont know. And I keep praying for a decent man to come, but maybe the problem is that i still need to be saved. While i should do that myself first. Maybe the job I am doing with myself is not done.

Maybe i need to love me more, to understand me more. And to stop being frustrated because of these situation. And probably i have to stop craving for a man, when at the end I dont even know what I want….

Or simply….is not the right time yet. I wonder if there is someone for me out there. Someone that is funny, tall, black skin, caring, loyal. That guy with the beautiful smile, into spirituality and far from the world’s bullshit. A man who is not afraid of emotion, a man ready to deal with my soul. Who is not scared by my boldness and can handle my fire. Someone that brings light and joy. Someone that is passionate about love, sex, life, food, music. A soul full of gold. This is what i wish for myself.

God knows if he’s out there already.

Probably, what i need to handle is the fear to be alone, and the fear to be with he wrong person. This two things are still the once that i never fought. And maybe is time to……

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