The Never Ending Story(-ies)

Happy Bday to meeeeeee 🙂
Im, finally, 33. I started as a goddess, and today i got the cold! Yay! Hehehe actually there’s a good reason why i got it…
My dad used to say: cold got u when u sleep with the ass out. Well indeed, that happened XD

I got drunk, I got myself a very nice present, I got the time of my life with people I love, and I fought with 2 men. One is the “platonic love” the other is he, L, the fuckboy.

Well…the night stated in this beautiful Mirò (the artist) style pub. Whit beers. Ilze boyfriend kept offering drinks aaaaallll night long. I had my sweet Gab, my Bestie, some of my Italians, my Darling and her man, the platonic love, Will, etc etc etc.

L, of course, did not come. But this is a story for later…

Actually, other people i cared didn’t come, and this hurt me pretty badly. Talking with my Bestie i was sad indeed, she told me to let go, but me? Letting go? Have you have seen a Sagittarius letting go? Biiiiitch! Please…I should thou…

Anyway, the excuse for the night was “Im sick”. Im sure about 2 of them, they were really sick…the others: EXCUSES.

It was better not to receive any confirmation (like L and the Tinder guy) rather then a stupid excuse, but anyway…

These little things made me realize something very important: i tend to give too many importance to people that would do nothing for me. So, it’s time to cut them off.

Chop Chop Bitches!

But still, i tend to do this quite often: giving people importance to then realize i shouldn’t have had. And then i fall in the spiral of: “why im so stupid?”, “why did i even think that person cared?”, and so on. Sickness for my soul.

Let start talking about me, drunk. High heels 12cm. Mini-dress, black, mono-shoulder, not much make up on, and feeling like a Goddess.

We leave the Turks Head, direction Liquor Rooms. This place is so controversial and amazing: you can find music you wont find anywhere else, stays open till late, had good drinks, and it smash you back like in the 60′ only because of the interiors.

So, club is full. We go dancing. I keep drinking. I see a tall black guy. I smile at him, we talk, he asks my number, done. I go around, i laugh, i dance, i sing. I am happy. While Ilze fought with her boyfriend, while my Bestie were kissing a guy, and while the Italians were drinking whiskeys, i did the mess.

I see a guy, dark skin, very good-looking. I smile at him. I dance alone. I get close to him and we start talking. Don’t ask me how that happened. We start kissing, again don’t ask me how and why. Only thing i know: he’s kisses are like pure honey, warm and passionate.

We start dancing:

the Platonic Love looks at me. Like he wants to kill me. This guy is no less than the true love. Now….i know i’m calling everyone “love of  my life”. But this guy actually is. Well, was. We started dating and both felt love for each other. We never had a relationship cos he “wants to live his life, settle down and when he’s sure he can provide everything, he will commit”. So this guy actually loves me, And vice-versa.

When he saw me kissing this new guy, he snapped. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me…like he hated me so much. I felt bad, but, after all….babe, you are the first one telling me about your nightstands….so you can and i can’t, just because you are crazy?

Anyway, he was pretty mad, and i think that is now actually over….Later for the reason why…

Me and the new guy leave the club: outside it’s pouring rain. Taxis won’t stop. We waited 30 mins or more under the rain, i was SOAKED. And that’s why i got the cold now. We spend the rest of the night, and good part of the day after, having some very good sex.

And of course, my dear angels sent me a perfect, caring guy who:

  • is a hit Brazilian, 39 years old looking like 25, dark skin and beard
  • he is going back for good in few days time
  • have a girlfriend – in a open relationship (he told me after)

Thank you universe.

He still texting me, so sweet…unfortunately he has to go….adios mi amor!

Lets switch to…? The Platonic Love guy. Now you gonna think: “this girl is a bad bitch”, you are probably right. In the remaining days, me and my Bestie went to greet some people, because she had to left on Wednesday. We spent our Monday evening with our sweet Gab, my ex flatmate. Such a very sweet person.

But, Tuesday evening was Platonic Love’s turn: ta-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaan!

We buzzed at mine with wine and weed. We smoked, ate, drunk togheter, till 8pm ish, when my Bestie had a date. So i got he the only house key i had, so she could have came in without ringing.

She went, he started kissing me, etc etc, we had sex. He came, i didn’t. We was stoned as fuck. And from here is were i felt nothing. I had already the cold. I really didn’t wanted to have sex but i said nothing. And i felt just to being used. Like he needed me only to “empty himself”. Or like he wanted to show me “how’s the man”. The last time i had this feeling was long ago, and is actually a very bad feeling. He was focused only on himself. Yeah we did foreplay etc, but still, i could feel that everything was lead by his crave of mere sex.

When we finished he fell asleep, i took a shower to clean up that “dirt”, didn’t work. I kept myself busy. The time i got back in the room he was awake, checking his phone. I sit close to him, in the bed: not a word. When we usually speak a lot, laugh etc. This time not a word. At that point, he started dressing up to leave, when i suddenly realized i was stuck in the house why Platonic Love. Beautiful.

He didn’t want to fall asleep so we started watching a movie….he kept being on his phone. Still not a word. So i texted my Bestie to come back t give me the key. Se did, she came with the date guy, and when she opened the door he was all mad: “why you bothered her?”, “she was in a date”, and so on. I tried to make him understand that was the only solution. He didn’t.

So, when i get frustrated because people don’t understand, i raise my voice, not because im mad, just to make the point. Was worse. I let him go, my Bestie went back to the guy and i went to bed. Crying. This morning i tried to make him understand the thing.

The point is that he was high as fuck.

The other pin is: I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT.

So, i think i will let him go, and just talk with him as a friend. I feel nothing else after that….sorted.

Now…….L….the fuckboy i have a crush for. He didn’t came, He didn’t even made up a stupid excuse. He just didn’t text me. But, he texted me on Monday, when he was off work. To fuck. He didn’t say that, but as every Monday we meet for sex, it’s pretty obvious.

I reply him im with my Bestie, we talk a bit, he tells me that he couldn’t make it. My straight reply was: “don’t worry, im cool. I knew you wouldn’t have come anyway”.

Bomb dropped. He replies saying he feel offended, and i explain pretty clearly that we meet only to fuck, why the hell would he come out with me? He wanted to show up because i was not expecting that, he got caught in a series of event he could’t control (he explained what happened), and he told me that im 1 of his 2 fav Italians.

He deserve an applause here for the manipulation job. FAILED.

It’s also true he said sorry. Never happened before. It’s also true that he explain thing only in few occasion and to few people. If he doesn’t give a fuck he gives no explanations at all. So…i probably should see that “an effort” to make it partially right, from him.

I will see….meanwhile, what i wanted to do was talking with him about the fact i cant trust him, because he is so manipulative etc etc etc. All this is USELESS.

Because at the end, he is a fuckboy. And again in the end, i don’t want anything more from him.

So, i better keep what i have: sex and good times, but let him know he cannot manipulate me as he wish. His bitch yeah, but not dumb.

So…..this is it. My Bestie today left. She already arrived in Italy now, and im here, with my  years old, my demons, my sad moments, my happy times, my fuckboys.

At the end, i always have to get myself up alone. As everyone has to.

My purpose, in this 33rd year, is to stop giving value to people who don’t and won’t value ME.

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